oh, i have forgotten about you, writing.
but i realize i need you so.
something deeper inside my heart.
to see my thoughts and heart splayed out on a page.
mm,
my own way of existing.
i want to go back,
and never forget
what it's like to be a child.
i hope i always stay, on this spiral.
this spiral that first started
from the day i was born.
and to know, Lord, that you have created it,
you started it.
you started me and put me into being.
even before that first day of my existence.
to not forget it, when in a blank room
that doesn't say much about your reality.
what makes you real, Father?
i'd like to know.
is it this, the feelings that my heart feels on any day?
the stars outside in the night sky?
the hopelessness and frailty of human beings, and yet, promise?
the sheets of my Bible?
jesus' words 2,000 years ago?
the church?
the place where you died for us?
the many believers who have come and gone, leaving their stories of worship behind?
what says,
that you are the Voice
that whispers behind all voices.
You say so.
how does that feeling and certainty come upon one?
oh Lord.
im asking, to prove to me that
your voice is the one.
but all i really want,
is to to just hear your voice,
hear it and that is all.
because i already believe it's the one inside.
how typical.
we shake our fist,
claiming we can't be sure
whether you're who you say you are.
we put you on trial,
we pile up our doubts.
only sure of our own existence now.
-when we're just angry
you went away.
and wish you would
come back again.
and then, one step before,
one step beyond,
we are angry you went away
until we realize
it was us who moved away.
so that we can't see you anymore.
and now we're lost,
sad and mad.
but
it is sweet
realizing through the pain,
pain of separation,
that our center of gravity
could only, only ever be you.
mm.
thanks, Father.
was that built in
to the spiral?
this thread connecting me to you.
i am glad for this,
that i can feel the pain of separation.
that means you are still,
so
central to me.
may it always be so.
love,
esther
