its a friday and im a happy

how happy am i to listen to one summer's day by joe hisashi.

so beautiful.

i am so happy!

to write,

to be quiet,

to rest.

to listen to music.

i find the ingredients for my happiness are often alike.

(and for unhappiness?)

perhaps being unknown,

or uncared for.

perhaps they are the same things.

or feeling insufficient,

inefficient.

its surprising im such a one for efficiency.

must be like my brother, except i just have the mind...not the body or temperament for it.

(:

just the thought:

im being inefficient!

aah!

hallo world. hallo.

i can accept you today. the music makes it sweeter, as well as my heart.

esther

when gmail is light

scho happy to wake up

into the morning light

:)

singing for the sunshine

put your voice up to the test

sing Lord, come soon

farther along,

we'll know all about it

farther along,

we'll understand why

so cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine.

amen.

Josh Garrels / Farther Along

love,

esther

sentimental

what is the moment of knowing? of courage?

"Yes," he added earnestly, "I read that, and I think to myself, she has a sorrow, she is lonely, she would find comfort in true love. I haf a heart full, full for her. Shall I not go and say, "If this is not too poor a thing to gif for what shall I hope to receive, take it in Gott's name?'"

"And so you came to find that it was not too poor, but the one precious thing I needed," whispered Jo.

"I had no courage to think that at first, heavenly kind as was your welcome to me. But soon I began to hope, and then I said, 'I will haf her if I die for it,' and so I will!" cried Mr. Bhaer.

- Little Women

"No, my dear Beast, you shall not die," said Beauty. "...Alas! I thought that I only felt friendship for you, but the torment I am feeling makes me realize that I cannot live without you."

- Beauty and the Beast

esther:

be amazed at the world

an explanation

a lapse!

due to sickness, and

marriage.

have been feeling so much, too much lately at work.

want to cut out the day, insert paste sitting on a bed and reading 'the tibetan book of living and dying', songs playing.

songs are quite dangerous. i associate them with particular times, days, and they make me long for things i shouldn't long for.

i guess they pick me up and displace me in the past, but sometimes it's hard to get back to now.

does life have to be the same?

a repeat.

job / family / life / inside / shuttered

i want something different. it is a novel idea occurring to me lately-

(why don't you go out)

(and make it different, then, esther?)

(why don't you)

(abandon the social conventions of your time)

(and just be?)

i wish my shoulder didn't hurt. believe life would be now x at least 2.

am neglecting real world tasks because am expecting a Perfect.

by a Perfect, i mean, a perfect time, a perfect place, where there is time to arrange, to organize, and execute tasks efficiently and on time.

in the absence of such a Perfect, i throw up my hands and absolve myself of all responsibility.

the sneaking suspicion comes, that there may be no such Perfect.

alas, it shall be the death of me.

at least i will die with a smile and hug it in my arms. like this. :)

esther

temptation

it's funny.

at least i've come to recognize in myself, the steps

when i become upset, and want something to fill it,

to soothe it.

recognition = the first step

doing something about it? the final and eternal one.

its true after all-

humans are predictable.

i am predictable. =) it is truly strange to realize what you are used to doing, what you do, normally, without even thinking about it, is actually a reaction to something else that happened.

and,

also,

but

i am very happy

that i am different

from other people.

=)