i have forgotten how to write.
and yet my brother reminded me.
the way i write,
when i play on the keys
it's my piano.
i woke up this morning, and realized the limits of my mind.
i asked the Lord for humility,
to reduce my mind, that i might be able to see more.
it's funny, i think its responsible for a recent phenomenon ive noticed in myself.
when i reach a wall, i reach a wall. my brain literally blanks out, and the only thing i can think is,
i can't think. or i've hit the ceiling. the sides of my cube in which my brain is constrained.
i feel near panicked because i realize i can't take the information and knowledge i have, to come out with the perfect answer.
last night, this morning, i found it's because-
i've forgotten how to just be. how to rest, and let myself absorb what is around me.
to be patient and humble enough to learn. to accept i don't have an answer, or need to create an answer.
to be a child, and to just enjoy the purity of taking in the world.
to not have to hand out an opinion, but to just let the information sit in me. until its ready to bloom.
thats the only way ive learned so much so far.
i understand mastery.
it's being able to manipulate the things you understand, are familiar with.
to rearrange, to organize, to play with joy your building blocks.
for some people,
maybe it's math. formulas, concepts. numbers.
or dance. the way they move their bodies, they way they feel the beat,
or english. for these folks, its words. language, ah, the beauty.
im not quite sure what it is for me.
words. emotions. human desires and needs.
stories.
this keyboard is my piano and yet, it's funny. i feel rusty.
a good reminder.
nothing is forever
nothing is innate
unless you play with it, practice it.
it's true, ive been living a one-dimensional life.
the things which usually make it rich have been missing.
literature. friends. alone time.
studying is important to me. learning is important to me.
interaction with other people is important to me.
oh, Lord, learning about you and understanding a bit more about you is so important to me.
building something is important to me.
erin reminded me yesterday, the play and the creativity of coming up with ideas. to help one another.
it's been a long time since ive dreamed of doing that. or done that, simply because its in my heart.
i think i have to be very careful.
i did not realize until now that i've reached a juncture in the road.
the ways in which im being shaped. who ive been, and am going to be.
my identity in the past is not something i can always rely on.
with time, i see now, it will fade until only the hollow impression remains.
let's make it sweet.
