when gmail is light

scho happy to wake up

into the morning light

:)

singing for the sunshine

put your voice up to the test

sing Lord, come soon

farther along,

we'll know all about it

farther along,

we'll understand why

so cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine.

amen.

Josh Garrels / Farther Along

love,

esther

sentimental

what is the moment of knowing? of courage?

"Yes," he added earnestly, "I read that, and I think to myself, she has a sorrow, she is lonely, she would find comfort in true love. I haf a heart full, full for her. Shall I not go and say, "If this is not too poor a thing to gif for what shall I hope to receive, take it in Gott's name?'"

"And so you came to find that it was not too poor, but the one precious thing I needed," whispered Jo.

"I had no courage to think that at first, heavenly kind as was your welcome to me. But soon I began to hope, and then I said, 'I will haf her if I die for it,' and so I will!" cried Mr. Bhaer.

- Little Women

"No, my dear Beast, you shall not die," said Beauty. "...Alas! I thought that I only felt friendship for you, but the torment I am feeling makes me realize that I cannot live without you."

- Beauty and the Beast

esther:

be amazed at the world

an explanation

a lapse!

due to sickness, and

marriage.

have been feeling so much, too much lately at work.

want to cut out the day, insert paste sitting on a bed and reading 'the tibetan book of living and dying', songs playing.

songs are quite dangerous. i associate them with particular times, days, and they make me long for things i shouldn't long for.

i guess they pick me up and displace me in the past, but sometimes it's hard to get back to now.

does life have to be the same?

a repeat.

job / family / life / inside / shuttered

i want something different. it is a novel idea occurring to me lately-

(why don't you go out)

(and make it different, then, esther?)

(why don't you)

(abandon the social conventions of your time)

(and just be?)

i wish my shoulder didn't hurt. believe life would be now x at least 2.

am neglecting real world tasks because am expecting a Perfect.

by a Perfect, i mean, a perfect time, a perfect place, where there is time to arrange, to organize, and execute tasks efficiently and on time.

in the absence of such a Perfect, i throw up my hands and absolve myself of all responsibility.

the sneaking suspicion comes, that there may be no such Perfect.

alas, it shall be the death of me.

at least i will die with a smile and hug it in my arms. like this. :)

esther

temptation

it's funny.

at least i've come to recognize in myself, the steps

when i become upset, and want something to fill it,

to soothe it.

recognition = the first step

doing something about it? the final and eternal one.

its true after all-

humans are predictable.

i am predictable. =) it is truly strange to realize what you are used to doing, what you do, normally, without even thinking about it, is actually a reaction to something else that happened.

and,

also,

but

i am very happy

that i am different

from other people.

=)

half finished emails bring to mind

thank you, for knowing me.

that is a gift, and it makes me feel less alone, friend.

i like that you laugh at my jokes,

or think im funny.

i like that you know me,

peculiar parts of me,

and delight in them.

i like that what we say is funny

just because it's you, it's me saying them.

and you and me, one becomes significant

because the other exists.

i like the feeling that my heart

might just rest its weary self in front of you, in order

to be refreshed.

i like the thought of long conversations with night

falling outside on the pretty blankets inside.

darkness wrapping around us like comforting arms

as though beckoning us in,

to the land where secrets are possible, permissible

and the words usually shut inside of us are

free to roam, linger, in this strange dark wonderful land.

(they want to hold hands)

i like such nighttimes. it is a time for cookies, a pause in time to enjoy the goodness of

being alive, being able to talk and

speak. - stolen time,

my favorite.

i like that i can come to you

and its a small reflection of myself in the world

a small pool of me that i can trust and hold on to,

enough to discover the rest that makes you different.

i like that i can understand more,

without being destroyed.

without being undone.

i am still whole

because of you.

sometimes i go into the world

and go

into blank walls

they are called strangers.

but they are more like walls.

they bump me around unceremoniously

and unkindly,

without feeling

and i miss you then friend.

i look for you.

i really miss you-