becoming

i have forgotten how to write.
and yet my brother reminded me.

the way i write,

when i play on the keys
it's my piano.

i woke up this morning, and realized the limits of my mind.
i asked the Lord for humility,
to reduce my mind, that i might be able to see more.

it's funny, i think its responsible for a recent phenomenon ive noticed in myself.
when i reach a wall, i reach a wall. my brain literally blanks out, and the only thing i can think is,
i can't think. or i've hit the ceiling. the sides of my cube in which my brain is constrained.
i feel near panicked because i realize i can't take the information and knowledge i have, to come out with the perfect answer.

last night, this morning, i found it's because-
i've forgotten how to just be. how to rest, and let myself absorb what is around me.
to be patient and humble enough to learn. to accept i don't have an answer, or need to create an answer.
to be a child, and to just enjoy the purity of taking in the world.
to not have to hand out an opinion, but to just let the information sit in me. until its ready to bloom.
thats the only way ive learned so much so far.

i understand mastery.
it's being able to manipulate the things you understand, are familiar with.
to rearrange, to organize, to play with joy your building blocks.
for some people,
maybe it's math. formulas, concepts. numbers.
or dance. the way they move their bodies, they way they feel the beat,
or english. for these folks, its words. language, ah, the beauty.

im not quite sure what it is for me.
words. emotions. human desires and needs.
stories.

this keyboard is my piano and yet, it's funny. i feel rusty.

a good reminder.
nothing is forever
nothing is innate
unless you play with it, practice it.

it's true, ive been living a one-dimensional life.
the things which usually make it rich have been missing.
literature. friends. alone time.

studying is important to me. learning is important to me.
interaction with other people is important to me.

oh, Lord, learning about you and understanding a bit more about you is so important to me.

building something is important to me.
erin reminded me yesterday, the play and the creativity of coming up with ideas. to help one another.
it's been a long time since ive dreamed of doing that. or done that, simply because its in my heart.

i think i have to be very careful.
i did not realize until now that i've reached a juncture in the road.
the ways in which im being shaped. who ive been, and am going to be.
my identity in the past is not something i can always rely on.
with time, i see now, it will fade until only the hollow impression remains.

let's make it sweet.

peace

“We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God”

– Thomas Merton

truth

shipwreck

i built a fortress

with a hundred thousand faces

i'll keep it safe

with a hundred thousand more

but these masks are wearing thin

as you draw me in

i spend my time on the empty and the fleeting

i spend my life on much less

than what i dreamed

but im reaching out to you

to make me new.

midnight caffeine

too many thoughts in my mind.

or perhaps, too much caffeine in the blood.

too bad i thought i was immune to caffeine.

yirushima, "river flows in you"

it kind of astounds me.

its like he found a melody to the soul. i wonder if God meant for him to discover it.

its a song, of hope. of a secret waiting to be found.

mm, some peace for this harried soul.

a lot of things happening, changing.

thinking about how to be strong, and how to be myself, and how to be Christ, at work, in everything i do.

it's difficult.

want to love.

love, care about these people.

i want to make you the song of my soul, Lord. to have stillness when the world is rushing about me.

Lord, what is it in this song that i'm trying to reach, trying to fathom?

i wish i could step inside of it, and step to a world that would delight me. it sounds like a world full of brooks, and meadows.

don't you know that the deepest is the best?

think : walks, nature, and books would be good to quiet my soul.

i had forgotten about nature but it is true. i will try it.

from eckp

man.

had forgotten, what it's like to love the Lord 

with

ferocity.

and it shouldn't even look like that.  should look sharper, and all slanting on edge.

just like ferocity should.

wondering

oh, i have forgotten about you, writing.

but i realize i need you so.

something deeper inside my heart.

to see my thoughts and heart splayed out on a page.

mm,

my own way of existing.

i want to go back,

and never forget 

what it's like to be a child.

i hope i always stay, on this spiral.

this spiral that first started

from the day i was born.

and to know, Lord, that you have created it,

you started it.

you started me and put me into being.

even before that first day of my existence.

to not forget it, when in a blank room

that doesn't say much about your reality.

what makes you real, Father?

i'd like to know.

is it this, the feelings that my heart feels on any day?

the stars outside in the night sky?

the hopelessness and frailty of human beings, and yet, promise?

the sheets of my Bible?

jesus' words 2,000 years ago?

the church?

the place where you died for us?

the many believers who have come and gone, leaving their stories of worship behind?

what says,

that you are the Voice

that whispers behind all voices.

You say so.

how does that feeling and certainty come upon one?

oh Lord.

im asking, to prove to me that

your voice is the one.

but all i really want,

is to to just hear your voice,

hear it and that is all.

because i already believe it's the one inside.

how typical.

we shake our fist,

claiming we can't be sure 

whether you're who you say you are.

we put you on trial,

we pile up our doubts.

only sure of our own existence now.

-when we're just angry

you went away.

and wish you would

come back again.

and then, one step before,

one step beyond,

we are angry you went away

until we realize

it was us who moved away.

so that we can't see you anymore.

and now we're lost,

sad and mad.

but 

it is sweet

realizing through the pain,

pain of separation,

that our center of gravity

could only, only ever be you.

mm.

thanks, Father.

was that built in

to the spiral?

this thread connecting me to you.

i am glad for this,

that i can feel the pain of separation.

that means you are still,

so

central to me.

may it always be so.

love,

esther

for me

today's utmost for his highest

The Ministry of the Inner Life
June 21 2010
You are . . . a royal priesthood . . . —1 Peter 2:9

By what right have we become “a royal priesthood”?  It is by the right of the atonement by the Cross of Christ that this has been accomplished. Are we prepared to purposely disregard ourselves and to launch out into the priestly work of prayer?  The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God.  Until we get into this right and proper relationship with God, it is simply a case of our “hanging on by the skin of our teeth,” although we say, “What a wonderful victory I have!”  Yet there is nothing at all in that which indicates the miracle of redemption.  Launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete.  Then don’t worry anymore about yourself, but begin to do as Jesus Christ has said, in essence, “Pray for the friend who comes to you at midnight, pray for the saints of God, and pray for all men.”  Pray with the realization that you are perfect only in Christ Jesus, not on the basis of this argument: “Oh, Lord, I have done my best; please hear me now.”

How long is it going to take God to free us from the unhealthy habit of thinking only about ourselves? We must get to the point of being sick to death of ourselves, until there is no longer any surprise at anything God might tell us about ourselves.  We cannot reach and understand the depths of our own meagerness.  There is only one place where we are right with God, and that is in Christ Jesus.  Once we are there, we have to pour out our lives for all we are worth in this ministry of the inner life.