so it is 3.13 am.
.15 of 1 lesson plan out of 4.0 whole lesson plans.
haha. as usual. i suck.
i just spent a good hour or more on remembrances from the past...
a retreat i went to a long time ago...
i found a card from the pastor that i used to despise so much but that contained so much simple truth,
"May God give you joy and happiness as you experience more and more how much He values you."
i don't know if i noticed back then, but he has pretty handwriting. i am grateful to you. how funny that it is the lesson i have been trying to learn all year.
and i found another secret that i will save until the future. one that i will hopefully be able to give to my brother, in a moment with much joy in my hands and understanding in his eyes.
and writing, writing. stumbled across some things i had written...i realized, with a jolt. what if writing comes to be "one of those things i did" back in high school? a faded memory, activity; a part of me no longer possible or capable. if i do not start again, that is what will happen...and i will be sad at having lost yet another one of the precious few interests/semi-skills i possess.
or i will look back, muse, and think, 'ah, that was what i once did...'. knowing that it was a giving up on, of what might have been honed, or valuable.
but perhaps we all have to choose.
it is difficult,
to write a story.
i wonder if i have ever read a short story with a real ending. they're more like real life, perhaps. they end with a feeling, a mood- a moment. a waiting.
or maybe that is just raymond carver.
and along those lines, two short stories that everyone should read:
1. "bullet in the brain", tobias wolff
2. "what we talk about when we talk about love", raymond carver
i liked when garrett said that. more interested in the pure beauty to be found, or crafted in words. it made me think of someone mining for something in those words, searching for a hard jewel of ruby or sapphire in them. something solid, concrete, and to be held onto.
life is perty sweet when you hit upon a note of truth. like hitting one of those colorful notes on the xylophone. that happens rarely, or by accident.
but maybe its better to roam and get out of your range to try to find others, than to hit the same note over and over again.
or maybe the trick is to hit that note again, deeper and deeper.
